Parenting Teenagers

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Woman and child viewing a computer screen.

Text of screen

Let your child play.

Woman's voice

We connect by letting our kids explore things that interest them. When our son wanted to start a YouTube channel at a younger age we said yes with plenty of monitoring and support from mom and dad.

Text on Screen

Let me play. Help me grow. Keep me safe. kflaph.ca/Parenting

Let your teenager play

In adolescence, play contributes to healthy brain and body development. As a parent, you can:

• Encourage and support various forms of play such as sport, music, art, or hanging out with friends. Engage their senses with activities such as road trips, games, and role playing. Most teens find these activities enjoyable and they are also powerful learning tools.
• Understand risk taking. An important part of play involves taking risks. The curiosity and desire for new experiences also presents opportunities to learn and develop.
• Encourage safe risks. Encourage teenagers to take safe risks by providing opportunities to participate in activities that are adventurous but safe, such as skateboarding with proper equipment.

Help your teenager grow

Teens need routines, sleep, healthy food, and lots of physical activity for optimal growth.  As a parent, you can:

• Help develop sleep strategies and routines. Children aged 5 to 13 years need 9 to 11 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night, and teens aged 14 to 17 years need 8 to 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night.
• Encourage teens to keep bed and wake-up times as consistent as possible.
• Turn off all electronics (e.g., computers, televisions, tablets, and cellphones) at least one hour before bed. Have a "no electronics in bed" policy.
• Encourage a calm environment around bedtime. Decrease noise, turn down lights, read, or listen to relaxing music.
• Don't make sleep a battleground. Talk to your teen about the importance of sleep and encourage them to get enough.
• Teenagers catch up on their sleep on the weekends.  Let them sleep longer when possible but encourage them to get up before noon to avoid insomnia or trouble sleeping at night.
• Encourage and offer healthy food choices. Teaching your teen how to make balanced meals from Canada's Food Guide, modeling healthy eating, and involving them directly in grocery shopping, meal planning and preparation are all great ways to promote healthy food choices. 
• Make family meals a priority. Whether it is breakfast, lunch, or dinner, plan at least three family meals every week and make your meals screen free (i.e., no television, tablets, or phones). 
• Support physical activity. Teens need to accumulate at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity per day and several hours of light physical activities.
• Support access to or provide a variety of fun, positive, physical activities. Variety and enjoyment is crucial to attracting and maintaining teenagers' interest in physical activity. Competitive sports are great for some, but encouraging non-traditional activities, like hiking or yoga will go a long way in encouraging healthy living for all teens.
• Demonstrate interest in your teen's activities. Participate in a new sport or activity with your teen or role model by trying new things. Remember to have fun together!
• Share decision making. Involve your teen in decisions that affect them, and work together to solve problems and reach goals.

Keep your teenager safe

Teens need to go out into the world to learn how to manage on their own, but they still need their parents to help keep them safe.

• Provide supervision as needed to prevent injury. Provide supervision, advice, tools, and information to encourage safety and preparedness (e.g., protective sports equipment, a cell phone, or cab money).
• Lead by example. Model sound decision making: wear a bike helmet, don't text and drive, choose healthy food, and be physically active as much as possible.
• Discuss and negotiate. Teens are much more likely to obey rules if they have a say in creating them and understand the reasons for the rules.
• Set expectations. Teens needs to know what is expected of them and still need parents to set and enforce limits. Some limits are not negotiable such as, "It's not OK to steal, hurt or mistreat people, drive when impaired, or cheat on an exam". It is important to be firm about these bottom line issues and respond when their behaviour is unacceptable.
• Hold your teen accountable. If they break the rules, you can say, "You knew the rules and what the consequences would be". Convey that the consequences are a result of your teen's behaviour to help them understand that they are ultimately accountable for their actions.

Resources

• Active for Life
• Outside Play
• Talking to your teenager about alcohol use - KFL&A Public Health
• Tobacco Resources - KFL&A Public Health
• Sexual Health Resources - KFL&A Public Health
• Cyber Tip - Canada's National Tip line for Reporting the Online Sexual Exploitation of Children
• Tanning - KFL&A Public Health
• Unlock Food
• Canada's Food Guide
• Importance of Mouthguards - KFL&A Public Health
• Elementary and Secondary School Immunizations - KFL&A Public Health
• Canadian 24-hour Movement Guidelines - Canadian Society for Exercise Physiology
• Concussions - KFL&A Public Health
• Road Safety - KFL&A Public Health
• Parenting for Life Resources - Strong Minds Strong kids 
• Parent Further
• Stepping Stones - Ministry of Children and Youth Services

Reach out for support

You've probably heard the phrase It takes a village to raise a child. This is true! It is okay to ask for help from your family, friends, and the community.

Learn about parenting

Parenting isn't always easy. It's a skill you learn.

• Attend a workshop. You may hear a new idea that you haven't tried before.
• Check your teen’s school newsletters and school website and visit school board websites regularly for parent opportunities and events in our community.
• Visit our getting help section for links to organizations that support parents in our community, such as Family and Child Services of Frontenac, Lennox and Addington.

Take care of your physical well-being

This means eating well, getting enough sleep, and being active. While this isn't always easy to do, its important as parents to make the time.

• Make healthy eating and physical activity a priority. 
• Have a set bedtime and stick to it. Routines are great for kids and their parents! 

Take care of your mental health and well-being

Your teenager is affected by your mood and emotions, good and bad. While you cannot eliminate all stress from your life, it is important that you find ways to cope with stress. If you need help now, visit Addiction and Mental Health Services, KFL&A 

• Talk to someone if you have concerns. If you aren't feeling yourself, talk to your doctor, your friends or family.
• Take care of your relationships. Healthy relationships with friends and partners are important to your mental health. Check-in with friends when you can, and have open and honest communication with your partner. 
• Learn more about parent mental health.

Listen to your teenager

Active listening lets your teenager know that you hear and care about what they say.

• Be ready to listen. Take time to listen when they are ready to talk. 
• Listen without judgement. It is not always necessary to correct or express an opinion on what they say or do. Reserving judgment can make your teenager more willing to open up to you.
• Ask open questions. Questions that can't be answered with a simple yes or no encourage more conversation.
• Paraphrase.  Repeat what your teenager says to make sure you understand.
• Watch body language.  Listen to your teenager's words, but also make note of their body language and actions. "Acting out", difficulty getting along with friends, or not wanting to go to school can all be signs that your teen needs your attention.

Respond to your teenager

Set aside time to talk. It is one of the most important things you can do to build a healthy relationship with your teen.

• Show interest. Be face-to-face and make eye contact to show you are interested in what your teen is saying.
• Ask what your teenager thinks. Ask for their opinion, ideas and for advice to let them know you value and respect their thoughts.
• Stay calm and supportive. Sometimes you might need to take a deep breath or count to 10 before responding.
• Guide rather than fix. Though you might just want to fix the problem for your teenager, they will learn more if they navigate the issue for themselves. Sometimes just listen and don't rush to the rescue.
• Role model. As a parent, model good communication skills, be more patient, flexible and forgiving, and never give up, no matter how hard it gets.

Connect with your teenager

The more you connect, the stronger your relationship will become. Look for ways to connect and communicate in your daily routines.

• Find opportunities to connect. If you lead a busy life, be aware of little opportunities to connect such as during meals and car rides. If time together is tight, write a message on a post-it and stick it in their lunch bag or send a text to show you are thinking about them.
• Limit distractions during family time. Have family rules outlining when to use electronics.
• Eat meals and cook together as often as you can and make mealtime 'screen free'.
• Have fun together. Do things you both enjoy, like cooking, going for a walk, or bike riding.
• Reach out to your teen. If your teen is hard to engage, plan a lunch date at their favourite restaurant or coffee shop. Start by telling them about your day instead of asking them questions about theirs. This takes the pressure off, and allows your teen to ease into the conversation.

Resources

• Parenting Resources - Strong Minds Strong Kids
• Parent Further

Help your teen recognize their emotions

• Acknowledge that your teenager's ups and downs are real. Say "I can see that you are feeling down right now".
• Acknowledge that your teenager's emotions are okay. Say "I understand how that could really upset you. I'd be upset too."
• Help your teen identify their emotions. Ask "Are you feeling angry or sad that Sydney didn't invite you?"
• Don't take your teen's mood personally. Accept that your teenager will be unhappy and angry sometimes. Let them know that you are ready to listen when they are ready to talk.

Help your teen work through their emotions

Help your teen cope with strong feelings in a positive way.

• Talk about your own personal experiences. Discuss stressful times from your teenage years and how you managed your emotions. Talk about what you might have done differently.
• Help your teenager reframe the situation. Consider the other person's point of view and think positively about the situation, for example, "How can we learn from this?"
• Provide outlets when emotions overpower. Offer activities to focus on, such as exercise or self-expression through art.
• Role model how to cope with emotions.  Staying calm and positive will teach your teenager how to respond to stressful situations.
• Give your teenager options. Let them know that there are other people they can talk to such as teachers, guidance counsellors, and other trusted adults.

Resources

• Stepping Stones - Ministry of Children and Youth Services
• Every Mind Matters Handouts - The Psychology Foundation of Canada
• Understand Ages and Stages - Parent Further